Stephanie Raible: Hi, you are listening to Record of Change.
Stephanie Raible: Record of Change listens to 8 individuals located on every continent about how their lives have been twisted by the Covid-19 pandemic.
Stephanie Raible: My name is Stephanie Raible, I am talking to you from the United States.
Stephanie Raible: Today, we will listen to McKenzie Roller, a recent high graduate from Connecticut who is taking a gap-year
Stephanie Raible: before starting as an undergraduate student in 2021 with University of North Carolina, or UNC, at Chapel Hill.
Stephanie Raible: Since COVID-19 has swept through the country, McKenzie’s life has turned upside-down, with all her of high
Stephanie Raible: school classes and the special, senior-year rituals and traditions, including her graduation, going online.
Stephanie Raible: McKenzie talks about what it felt like to miss out on all of the end of high school as she knew
Stephanie Raible: it, and how it felt to choose a college and a path forward in the face of so much uncertainty.
Stephanie Raible: In addition, as a native of the American Northeast, McKenzie is now navigating her new life in the American
Stephanie Raible: South, including the differences in perceptions and practices in place connected to the coronavirus.
Stephanie Raible: Now, let’s meet McKenzie.
McKenzie Roller: My name is McKenzie Roller.
McKenzie Roller: I'm 18.
McKenzie Roller: I'm, currently, I am living in Wilmington, North Carolina for the first kind of portion of my gap year that I'm taking before going to UNC Chapel Hill
McKenzie Roller: next fall . I just graduated this past May from Miss Porter's School in Farmington, Connecticut, where I was involved in many different sports teams.
McKenzie Roller: Now, I am in Wilmington, North Carolina.
McKenzie Roller: I'm about to start an internship with Vote.org next Monday to help with voter turnout for the election this fall.
McKenzie Roller: I've been going to the beach.
McKenzie Roller: I've been trying to find ways to meet new people, because I don't know anyone that's living here except for my roommates who I met when I got here.
Stephanie Raible: So, let's go back to the time that was in: the beginning of this year.
Stephanie Raible: Can you tell me about how you first heard about the coronavirus?
McKenzie Roller: Miss Porter's was a boarding school, so we had students from around the world, um, at our school, and I think a couple of international
McKenzie Roller: students, like from Asia, couldn't go home or were having trouble going home in December when, uh, you know, in China had started to become a problem there.
McKenzie Roller: Um, and then in January, all, of our juniors at miss Porter's have the opportunity to go abroad for two weeks.
McKenzie Roller: And one of the groups of juniors went to China, and they got back just as Wuhan was shutting down.
McKenzie Roller: So, I remember hearing about that because it was kind of like, 'What if we had been stuck there?
McKenzie Roller: How would the timing had been different?' And so that was back in, in January when it was just getting bad in China, kind of as things were starting.
McKenzie Roller: Um, and then I kind of heard bits and pieces for a little while as it like spread to Italy, just through the news and stuff.
McKenzie Roller: Italy and Spain as it starts to get bad in Europe.
McKenzie Roller: And my mom is, she's a professor at the University of Hartford.
McKenzie Roller: Um, and she handles the clinical education piece of the physical therapists, like grad school time.
McKenzie Roller: Um, and so she has to find placements for them and they were supposed to have a couple of students going to Italy.
McKenzie Roller: And so, I was in chapel Hill for an interview for my scholarship at UNC at the end of February.
McKenzie Roller: It was like a Friday night and the travel restrictions for Italy went up to like a level three or four.
McKenzie Roller: I don't remember which one it was, but to the point where United States citizens were not supposed to be going there.
McKenzie Roller: Um, so she had to, to make a bunch of calls because there's a student that was already in Italy, who now had to come back to
McKenzie Roller: the United States and the, the, just the, all the travel complications of that started happening .But it was still in Italy.
McKenzie Roller: Like, it wasn't in the United States's major issue yet , but I know that that was a big moment.
McKenzie Roller: And then my school has a March break and we left early March and we had like a big school assembly like, 'You might not come back.' They're
McKenzie Roller: like, 'There might be an extension of March break because this might be an issue for us, but probably not things are going, gonna be fine.
McKenzie Roller: And this is just like worst case scenario kind of thing.' And when on March break, I was with friends in Vermont.
McKenzie Roller: And we got an email that like March break had been extended by two weeks.
McKenzie Roller: And we'd be coming back after that, and then like four days later, it was like, 'We're going to
McKenzie Roller: be closed for the rest of the school year.' And classes will be moving online and stuff like that.
McKenzie Roller: So that, that was when, like, it really became bad in the United States.
McKenzie Roller: And like we went home, and basically we're quarantining and not seeing people.
McKenzie Roller: Yeah, that was kind of the start of it.
Stephanie Raible: So, take me through your average day at that point . What was your
Stephanie Raible: initial reaction to an extended March break and then what manifested after that?
McKenzie Roller: By the time they had made the decision to extend March break by two weeks I was
McKenzie Roller: like, 'We're not going back.' This is them trying to keep some hope that we'll be going back.
McKenzie Roller: And, um, but that's not going to happen.
McKenzie Roller: Like we're going to move online, and we like, 'There's no way we're an international boarding school community.
McKenzie Roller: There's no way they're bringing people back for the spring, spring semester.' That that was kinda my feeling at first.
McKenzie Roller: But it still, wasn't totally real that like going to be going back.
McKenzie Roller: But then we finally got the email that like the rest of the year will be online.
McKenzie Roller: Um, and that stunk, uh, that was like, I mean, we're supposed to be having like senior spring, like miss Porter's, it's an all girls school.
McKenzie Roller: We have a ton of traditions, um, and they're secret traditions, but it's all like the like seniors
McKenzie Roller: handing it off to the, to the next group of seniors and freshmen not being freshmen anymore.
McKenzie Roller: And so all of those transition moments that would get celebrated at school, like we have a tradition every week in the spring, um, and it makes it really fun.
McKenzie Roller: And it's a huge community building moment.
McKenzie Roller: Um, And so it was really hard to be like, 'Shoot, that's not going to happen.' And if it does, it's going to be online.
McKenzie Roller: That's going to be weird.
McKenzie Roller: And we're not going to have graduation, um, and that was like hard to process.
McKenzie Roller: I'm someone that doesn't process things like that right away.
McKenzie Roller: I'm like I had friends who were sobbing that night.
McKenzie Roller: I didn't cry for like a month, but that was like, it was just like the moment where it became real.
McKenzie Roller: So it wasn't totally really yet, but it was like, 'We're gonna miss these huge moments.'
McKenzie Roller: I think it was just a surreal, um, and at first it was exciting cause it was like, I get to slow down.
McKenzie Roller: I get to just like.
McKenzie Roller: March breaks extended a little bit.
McKenzie Roller: Um, but it wasn't totally real that, like, I also, wasn't gonna see my friends for a month
McKenzie Roller: because everyone was like freaking out at first about What does it mean to be with other people?
McKenzie Roller: What does your bubble look like?
McKenzie Roller: What does it mean to be like a responsible person trying to not to spread coronavirus?
McKenzie Roller: There were a lot of questions, and, and things just up in the air that nothing, it was
McKenzie Roller: kind of like rolling with it at that point, because nothing was certain for anyone.
Stephanie Raible: And so when this March break extension happened, were you back at home with your family at that point?
McKenzie Roller: the extension?
McKenzie Roller: I was in Vermont, um, with like a group of my friends that was like our March break trip.
McKenzie Roller: And I was there with my, my dad and my sister too.
McKenzie Roller: Um, So we were all there together and it was kind of like, Oh, we saw this coming.
McKenzie Roller: This will be fine.
McKenzie Roller: Um, but I wasn't back in Connecticut yet.
McKenzie Roller: I think I got the email that like school is going to be closed when I was back in Connecticut after, um, coming back from that trip.
McKenzie Roller: Um, which was surreal too.
McKenzie Roller: Cause it was like, I was just with friends, like having a good time in Vermont, and now, I won't see them again for a little while.
McKenzie Roller: So.
Stephanie Raible: So, when did you feel like the impact of all of this sunk in for you?
McKenzie Roller: I don't know.
McKenzie Roller: I don't even know if it still has.
McKenzie Roller: I think, graduation was tough.
McKenzie Roller: Like, doing it virtually was hard.
McKenzie Roller: I felt super lucky because most of my friends were local, so, I still got to like see them on graduation day.
McKenzie Roller: But for people who like live in California or they live in China or like in other parts
McKenzie Roller: of the world, like, they didn't get to celebrate with other seniors from our school.
McKenzie Roller: Um, but yeah.
McKenzie Roller: Yeah.
McKenzie Roller: I think graduation was like, 'Shoot, this is not what this was supposed to feel like
McKenzie Roller: or look like or, um, be.' That moment, specifically, things sunk in a little bit.
McKenzie Roller: We have a fountain on campus.
McKenzie Roller: Like, we were supposed to jump into the fountain together, and we didn't.
McKenzie Roller: And I jumped into my friend's pool with her, which was fun.
McKenzie Roller: Yeah, I think that sunk in, and then, just continuing to process over the summer.
McKenzie Roller: Um, and what it meant to have closure or the lack of closure leaving high school.
McKenzie Roller: Yeah, those were big moments.
Stephanie Raible: So, after the March break, after you finally came back, what did your normal day look like at that point?
Stephanie Raible: Where were you?
Stephanie Raible: What was your schedule like?
Stephanie Raible: What was the life like?
McKenzie Roller: School started a week later than it was supposed to, coming back from March break.
McKenzie Roller: Um, and that week I was like, I'm so bored.
McKenzie Roller: I can't do this.
McKenzie Roller: Like nothing's happening.
McKenzie Roller: I'm sitting in my house doing nothing.
McKenzie Roller: I'm walking and running and exercising, but I I'm not, this is so boring.
McKenzie Roller: I think classes were like 40 minutes or something.
McKenzie Roller: I think they had been shortened a little bit.
McKenzie Roller: And I, because of the way my schedule worked out, I only had two or three classes a day.
McKenzie Roller: So, my day was shorter in terms of actual synchronous school time.
McKenzie Roller: I had a crazy amount of work because they were trying to fit everything in asynchronously and APs were coming up.
McKenzie Roller: Um, and so it felt like I had more homework than I'd had in a while, which makes sense because classes were shorter.
McKenzie Roller: But it was also just like you were sitting at home doing homework for hours, and that was a lot.
McKenzie Roller: Yeah, I think my day ended up looking like I'd wake up in the morning around like 6:45 am.
McKenzie Roller: I'm definitely a morning person.
McKenzie Roller: So, I went on a walk with my mom for like an hour every morning and then showered and got ready for school, um, went to a
McKenzie Roller: few classes, did homework for a few hours, hopped on a meeting of some sort, depending on, on what was happening that day.
McKenzie Roller: I ended up working out either in the afternoon or like late at night.
McKenzie Roller: Um, I also was still dating someone at that point.
McKenzie Roller: So, I saw him every once in a while, except at the beginning, we weren't allowed to see each other.
McKenzie Roller: And that was super hard too.
Stephanie Raible: So, out of all of this, what do you think you miss the most, that maybe you felt like was a bit surprising or something that caught you off guard?
McKenzie Roller: I missed the dining hall, which was like, I knew I was gonna miss community.
McKenzie Roller: Um, I knew I was gonna miss, like seeing people in the hallway and like saying 'hi' and
McKenzie Roller: being like in classrooms with people and like my senior lacrosse season and stuff like that.
McKenzie Roller: So I knew I was gonna miss community, but I, I think it was surprising to me that like specifically I missed the dining hall.
McKenzie Roller: Like, I miss sitting at tables with people with the music playing and just hanging out.
McKenzie Roller: Our dining hall was kind of where people went during free time, and meals and things like that.
McKenzie Roller: But it was just like, those were community moments that I definitely miss.
McKenzie Roller: Like, one of my favorite memories is like a Taylor Swift song was playing, and they were like people on tables singing along.
McKenzie Roller: And like those super happy, super amazing community moments that like only happen at Porter's are, like, things that I missed a lot.
McKenzie Roller: Um, and just being able to sit down with a random group of people because, maybe your friends
McKenzie Roller: weren't in there, but it was the way to like connect with the other members of the community.
McKenzie Roller: Like, I stayed in touch with my close friends, but I didn't get those moments with the people that I wasn't as close with.
McKenzie Roller: I think I got closer to my close friends, but also missed out on other relationships that maybe would have been better had we been at school for the spring.
Stephanie Raible: When you think about being a senior in high school, at least in the States, there's prom, there's obviously graduation, as you were talking about.
Stephanie Raible: When you think back to all of this, what what does it feel like for someone to be at this momentous time in life, and then, for that just to go away?
McKenzie Roller: So, I think it's funny because I think the feeling of building up to being a high school senior, and it's like a huge moment.
McKenzie Roller: You're graduating from high school.
McKenzie Roller: You have your high school diploma, like you're finishing your K through 12 education.
McKenzie Roller: Like, you are a senior, like there's senior night for lacrosse, there's prom, there's graduation.
McKenzie Roller: There's all these big moments that are like 'picture' moments, and just things that people hold on to for the rest of their lives kind of thing.
McKenzie Roller: And I think it was actually harder for parents, honestly , in a lot of ways than students.
McKenzie Roller: It was like moments that they were missing out on, like not being able to see their kid graduate,
McKenzie Roller: and these big Moments that they'd been waiting for and working for and sacrificing for.
McKenzie Roller: And I think that was hard.
McKenzie Roller: I took it way more logically, I think, than a lot of people did.
McKenzie Roller: Like, I know some of my friends were like, 'This is what I had been doing.
McKenzie Roller: My whole high school career for was these three months or like these two months at school where I get to like have fun at senior spring.
McKenzie Roller: And like, college decisions are out, and school doesn't matter the same as it did before.
McKenzie Roller: I mean, you can't flunk out, but like, it doesn't matter the same way it did before.
McKenzie Roller: And so, there was definitely that feeling of like, 'This is what the high school
McKenzie Roller: career was building up to ' and disappointment on, like, 'what does high school mean?
McKenzie Roller: If I didn't get to be a part of this?
McKenzie Roller: Um, I think for me personally, it was like, like 'This stinks, I'm going to miss out on some really cool memories .' But we are still moving forward.
McKenzie Roller: Our school, like we get to be online and, um, and do our traditions online, which isn't the same in any way, but you miss out on pieces of closure.
McKenzie Roller: Like that whole senior celebration, I think has a lot to do with like closure and moving on
McKenzie Roller: from, for a lot of people, like living in your hometown and like going somewhere for college.
McKenzie Roller: Um, and it's just a moment of change, and I think it just felt like we were missing out on some steps to like get to the next place.
Stephanie Raible: You alluded to the fact that there are all these college decisions that came out throughout this time.
Stephanie Raible: Can you talk about how you and your friends were navigating this pivot time between all being a cohort
Stephanie Raible: as, as high schoolers, then, all of a sudden having to navigate that pre-college time and decision making?
McKenzie Roller: Yeah.
McKenzie Roller: I think personally, that was one of the hardest pieces of the transition was like hearing
McKenzie Roller: about where I had gotten into college at the same time that all this was happening.
McKenzie Roller: Like a few of my friends already knew where they were going.
McKenzie Roller: And for them, it was like waiting to see what was going to happen.
McKenzie Roller: Like was the school gonna move online and things like that, things that we didn't even find out until August, that was what they were starting to think about.
McKenzie Roller: But for other people, it was like 'Am I going to get off the waitlist?' Because there's a bunch of people on the waitlist
McKenzie Roller: this year, and people are saying 'no' to colleges because people don't think you're going to go back in the fall.
McKenzie Roller: Um, and so there, there was this waiting game of like, You just got into this school, but
McKenzie Roller: what about this school and how has COVID going to be affected at this school versus the other?
McKenzie Roller: That's what a lot of people were going through.
McKenzie Roller: And also, it didn't feel like you were ending high school.
McKenzie Roller: So, it was a weird, like moving forward while being like, feeling like you were stuck in the middle of your senior year too.
McKenzie Roller: For me, personally, I was basically choosing between two schools.
McKenzie Roller: I had already known that I was into both of them before anything happened, but I had heard back from other schools too in early April.
McKenzie Roller: Um, so I had got all my final decisions back, and it was hard to be in the middle of such a big
McKenzie Roller: life change and have to then decide where you were going to go for the next four years of your life.
McKenzie Roller: That really is actually more than four years because it's supposed to like set you up for whatever you're doing
McKenzie Roller: for like the next 10 years, which that's not always true either, but that's what it feels like in the moment.
McKenzie Roller: So, that was tough.
McKenzie Roller: There was, you were dealing with so many changes and the idea of making such a big decision was just so overwhelming.
McKenzie Roller: Um, and it was like, 'How am I supposed to know what I'm supposed to do here right now?'
McKenzie Roller: And then, so I ended up, it was just like one of those things where like, I need to make a decision because this is
McKenzie Roller: so overwhelming, and I just need to have something that I, like, know because everything else is uncertain right now.
McKenzie Roller: So, I ended up choosing UNC Chapel Hill , and then, also found out that I got into a gap year program that I applied for.
McKenzie Roller: And so, then it was like, am I going to take this gap year?
McKenzie Roller: What does a gap year even look like in the middle of COVID like I was supposed to.
McKenzie Roller: The original program I applied for, I was supposed to live in Ecuador for a year, and it was like a language- immersion, service-immersion program.
McKenzie Roller: And that got canceled because they were like, 'You're not going to get a visa in time, let alone what COVID will look like.' So, that got canceled early.
McKenzie Roller: And then, I got moved into this like self-designed gap year group that UNC has.
McKenzie Roller: And then, I had to decide like, am I ready to deal with the uncertainty of a gap year
McKenzie Roller: where like no one knows where you're going to be able to live or move around or whatever.
McKenzie Roller: Um, and what's going to be open or do I try to go to Chapel Hill in the fall, which could be online, and no one knows what's happening with that.
McKenzie Roller: Um, so there were a lot of these big decisions that felt like it was just like a 'shot in the dark' because like who knew what was coming.
McKenzie Roller: And also you were dealing with so much personal change, like change around you At the same time.
McKenzie Roller: Yeah.
McKenzie Roller: Making those decisions was a lot.
Stephanie Raible: So, how did you make that decision then?
Stephanie Raible: Because, not only did you have to come up with what school, in your case, you were thinking, 'Do, do I take a gap year?
Stephanie Raible: Do I not take a gap year?' So, talk us through what you actually decided.
McKenzie Roller: Well, um, so that was, there's a lot of personal soul searching, talking to people as sounding boards.
McKenzie Roller: And then, the gap year, I had thought about taking a gap year for forever.
McKenzie Roller: I wanted to see the world.
McKenzie Roller: I want to meet new people, hear new perspectives, like understand how I fit into the world in a much more real complex way.
McKenzie Roller: And I was like, I really don't think anyone's going to go back to school in the fall.
McKenzie Roller: Um, so why not do this?
McKenzie Roller: Like, I'll have some control versus none.
McKenzie Roller: Um, and I also know it's a huge year for the election in the United States.
McKenzie Roller: Um, this presidential election will define the next few years and possibly more of what the United States looks like stands for believes in.
McKenzie Roller: Um, so, I knew I really needed to dedicate some time to that this fall because that's something that I'm super passionate about.
McKenzie Roller: And so, for a lot of reasons, I was like, this is a year to dedicate my time to service.
Stephanie Raible: One other unique facet that you were able to navigate is, is getting a job this summer.
Stephanie Raible: Can, can you talk about what it was like to work in a remote position, even before you had to move for your gap year?
McKenzie Roller: So, this summer I was working remotely like full time, um, with Social Contract specifically on this Fireside
McKenzie Roller: initiative where I was getting to work on what it meant to be young people making change or support young people through this time.
McKenzie Roller: And it was just, I am super grateful that that the chain of events happened like it did, where I was
McKenzie Roller: able to have a stable job this summer working on something that ended up being incredibly important.
McKenzie Roller: This initiative was born out of COVID and like creating a space for young people to be able to still connect
McKenzie Roller: about social change, but also about what they were going through and having a support network there for them.
McKenzie Roller: So , I mean, the job was going to be there.
McKenzie Roller: I was going to be working remotely, but then the impact and focus of it was totally shaped by COVID, yeah, I'm grateful to have had the opportunity
McKenzie Roller: and to be able to have made some kind of impact, however, big this summer, for all the young people kind of going through all this change too.
Stephanie Raible: It sounds like you were doing work that is helping young people process what their current realities are.
Stephanie Raible: Can you talk about some of your biggest takeaways from your summer work?
McKenzie Roller: So, this initiative that I was working with called Fireside specifically focused on creating a
McKenzie Roller: space for young people from around the world to be able to come together, to support each other and also to share.
McKenzie Roller: And create a community dedicated to creating social change in a better future.
McKenzie Roller: So, we had space for young people to share how they were feeling, what they need, what support they're lacking or, or what they're just going through.
McKenzie Roller: And then also hearing what people wanted for the future.
McKenzie Roller: And I think some key takeaways were, at no matter what stage of life people were in, everyone
McKenzie Roller: was facing some type of transition, in a way that I don't think had been true before.
McKenzie Roller: And so, what people are were processing were on different levels and intensities, but
McKenzie Roller: there was some type of community, banding people together through that, which was powerful.
McKenzie Roller: And then, also, I got to hear a lot of what young people want for the future.
McKenzie Roller: And again, no matter the age or where they're from or what they were doing in that moment, like, people wanted a space for community, for authenticity,
McKenzie Roller: for trust, for valuing like human beings over like productivity, and just these ideals for the future that was super powerful and then ended up happening.
McKenzie Roller: We had that space going as like the black lives matter movement and started to really gain some steam after George Floyd's murder in the United States.
McKenzie Roller: Being in a space where young people were processing change together and also naming these
McKenzie Roller: concrete almost seemingly universal principles that we all wanted to live by in the future.
McKenzie Roller: Yeah, it was a unique space of support, support that I think people needed.
McKenzie Roller: You weren't in school with your friends.
McKenzie Roller: You weren't like seeing.
McKenzie Roller: Your your classmates every day in a way that that is some type of support and community.
McKenzie Roller: Um, and so we were forming some online version of that community that was really powerful, um, while also
McKenzie Roller: giving people space to kind of imagine and start to gain the skills to influence what our future looks like.
Stephanie Raible: So, at this point in time, when you look back, what would you imagine has been your most challenging aspect of this time?
McKenzie Roller: I mean, a lot of it is learning to be comfortable and navigate through uncertainty for me.
McKenzie Roller: I mean, there wasn't certainty in what school it's like there isn't certainty and what parents' jobs would look like.
McKenzie Roller: They're both teachers.
McKenzie Roller: There wasn't certainty in how to continue building relationships and keeping relationships intact and building new ones.
McKenzie Roller: And in all parts of life there this level of uncertainty.
McKenzie Roller: That's usually super uncomfortable for people, and I know is really uncomfortable for me.
McKenzie Roller: Like you're told like, pretty much things are planned out.
McKenzie Roller: You go through many transitions, but like, I knew I was gonna be on the varsity lacrosse team.
McKenzie Roller: I knew I was going to be graduating in May.
McKenzie Roller: I knew like I was going to be seeing people at school every day.
McKenzie Roller: And then, all of a sudden, that's like gone.
McKenzie Roller: Um, and you're living in this new reality that we've never lived in before, where you're pretty much living with your family.
McKenzie Roller: Maybe seeing people here or there.
McKenzie Roller: And school's online, everything's online.
McKenzie Roller: And there's, I have never faced any kind of uncertainty like that in every area of my life.
McKenzie Roller: So, it was a lot of learning to be okay with not knowing what was coming , which I like to know what's happening.
McKenzie Roller: I like to be in some type of control, but it was I think the biggest hurdle was accepting, but also
McKenzie Roller: learning that like to be okay, that things weren't in my control and it was going to be okay anyways.
McKenzie Roller: Well, like, you figure it out as it comes.
Stephanie Raible: It sounds like you've you currently have some sense of peace or at least this has become normal
Stephanie Raible: or normalized, but was there a point during this whole period of time where you feel like it really sunk in for you?
McKenzie Roller: Yeah, I mean, there was a distinct moment where I like broke down sobbing.
McKenzie Roller: Eventually it took time, but, um, Yelling at my mom about like how unfair, like, I hadn't been allowed to see my boyfriend for like a month at that point.
McKenzie Roller: And I was so mad.
McKenzie Roller: I was like, 'This is ridiculous.' And I mean, it wasn't just about that.
McKenzie Roller: That was hard, but it was also just like everything else, um, had changed and didn't look like it was going back to normal.
McKenzie Roller: And like, it was this huge internal battle of like, I shouldn't see my boyfriend.
McKenzie Roller: I don't want more people to get sick and die.
McKenzie Roller: Like I don't the right thing is to not be someone contributing to this spread of this virus, that's killing so many people and putting people out of jobs.
McKenzie Roller: And like, there was that moral battle.
McKenzie Roller: But then the, also like, I want to see my boyfriend.
McKenzie Roller: I want to see my friends, like I miss community.
McKenzie Roller: And that was so hard: this like battle between like what do I want versus what is right.
McKenzie Roller: And, feeling frustrated because some people didn't care and were just like going to parties and things
McKenzie Roller: like that and feeling so mad that like, There's a chance I could do that and no one could get sick.
McKenzie Roller: Or, everyone could get sick, and someone's grandparent could die and that's like terrifying, um, and was a lot to like hold onto.
McKenzie Roller: Um, and so that was a moment where it finally like came out in some tangible way.
McKenzie Roller: Um, yeah, lots of crying and yelling about whatever.
McKenzie Roller: Yeah, and I think that's when it had kinda sunk in just like the weight of this virus and the way it was impacting my life.
McKenzie Roller: And, just recognizing that, that everything had changed, I guess, ,first thinking in that this was like a new normal that was going to last for awhile.
McKenzie Roller: I don't know.
McKenzie Roller: I don't know when that sunk in.
McKenzie Roller: I think that was more of a gradual.
McKenzie Roller: Like things still haven't changed.
McKenzie Roller: I think when UNC went back to school and like two weeks later was sent home because everyone like too many people had gotten COVID.
McKenzie Roller: It was like, 'Yup.' So, I don't know.
McKenzie Roller: I don't know if there was a specific moment for that.
Stephanie Raible: So, let's actually talk about that because that's something that made national news.
Stephanie Raible: Because, usually, the schools in the U.S.
Stephanie Raible: South tend to go back to school a little bit sooner than schools in the North.
McKenzie Roller: Yeah.
McKenzie Roller: UNC went back to school like early August.
McKenzie Roller: They had moved move in date earlier to try to get people back to campus and transition.
McKenzie Roller: And , so like my roommate, the person that's was supposed to be roommates with, like, I was checking in with her before I decided to take a gap year.
McKenzie Roller: She was going to be my roommate.
McKenzie Roller: Um, and at first people seemed like it was going to be fun.
McKenzie Roller: And then like you started hearing about these clusters that were developing because COVID was spreading and UNC had
McKenzie Roller: been doing like a hybrid model where some classes were in person, some were online, but you continue to hear about
McKenzie Roller: how it was spreading and just, I was like, how can you contain COVID in the dorm environment once it gets started?
McKenzie Roller: And then, um, so like two weeks later they were sent home and I was like, yeah, of course they were sent home.
McKenzie Roller: Like, what did we expect?
McKenzie Roller: Um, it's just, watching that from the outside, it's just like, 'Of course.' Like, it's not even surprising at this point.
McKenzie Roller: And like, I'm in North Carolina now where just feelings about COVID are completely different than they are in Connecticut.
McKenzie Roller: Um, where like it's required to wear a mask in stores, but basically other than that, I haven't been like seeing people wear masks and like, it's just,
McKenzie Roller: it's completely different reality than like when Connecticut shut down, and everyone was wearing masks and like, people didn't want to leave their houses.
McKenzie Roller: And so, it's this weird battle of what it's looked like for different people, and the level of isolation that people feel is necessary.
Stephanie Raible: How has your perspective of yourself changed over this time?
Stephanie Raible: Have you had any realizations or self perspective shift over this time?
McKenzie Roller: I think the power of community has become more clear to me kind of, as I've spoken to before, and the importance of having
McKenzie Roller: community in a consistent way in your life and the importance of that to me . That's been a big area of growth for me, I think, this summer.
McKenzie Roller: And not necessarily a change in perspective, but more of a, I guess, feeling more, holding myself more accountable, um, in more spaces and more consistently.
McKenzie Roller: I think I've become more confident in my decisions.
McKenzie Roller: Like I've had to make so many decisions that, I think, I feel more confident in my ability to make decisions, but
McKenzie Roller: also more just my ability to like, okay, I made a decision, whatever happens, happens, and that's going to be okay.
McKenzie Roller: And we're, everything's a journey.
McKenzie Roller: And recognizing that, I think has been a big perspective shift for me.
McKenzie Roller: Like I said, unlike someone who likes to know what's happening next and what my role is
McKenzie Roller: going to be and where I need to be when, but that's like not possible ever right now.
McKenzie Roller: Um, and so just recognizing that everything's a journey and every opportunity is, is really a place to learn and grow.
McKenzie Roller: That's something you're told all the time, but I think that's become way more clear to me over their COVID just as everything's changed.
McKenzie Roller: And as I've had to make a couple of big life decisions.
Stephanie Raible: So, thinking about people that are your age, how would you describe the feeling of this whole COVID dynamic for people of your age?
McKenzie Roller: I think there's been a lot of change, and we've learned to adapt and make decisions in the face of change.
McKenzie Roller: That like, you have to keep life keeps moving forward, whether or not you want it to, and whether or not you get
McKenzie Roller: those moments of transition and closure , like graduation or like making a college decision in a normal year.
McKenzie Roller: Like these pieces of normalcy that kind of get you to the next steps of life weren't there.
McKenzie Roller: So, being able to continue to move forward has been a big piece of this is just, I
McKenzie Roller: don't know what's going to happen next is going to happen and it's going to be okay.
McKenzie Roller: Um, and figuring that out has been a big piece of it.
McKenzie Roller: And I think, for a lot of young people and speaking from my perspective specifically, it's been a lot of realizing how important it is to have
McKenzie Roller: people to lean on because moving forward in the face of uncertainty is so hard and there are so many different emotions that come up with that.
McKenzie Roller: And being able to have people to listen to speak to that are going through the same thing or can just be there to listen has been a big piece of this.
McKenzie Roller: I think communication about how you're feeling, what your mental health state is, has been a big piece of this and recognizing that it's okay to not be okay.
McKenzie Roller: And, and the importance of community has been huge.
McKenzie Roller: But also, we've developed the skills to continue to move forward in whatever uncertainty we face, and make some decisions when we have no answers.
Stephanie Raible: Mackenzie, thank you so much for your time.
McKenzie Roller: Thank you.
Stephanie Raible: This was episode 8, with Stephanie Raible.
Stephanie Raible: Stay tuned for the following episode of Record of Change when we will hear more from journalist, Didem Tali from Istanbul.
Stephanie Raible: If you didn’t catch her first episode you can hear more about her experiences in Episode 1.
Stephanie Raible: In the meantime, make sure to follow us on your favourite Podcast provider, and find out more
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Stephanie Raible: This podcast is implemented with and by members of the Bosch Alumni Network, a community that brings together
Stephanie Raible: former and current fellows, grantees, and staff members of the Robert Bosch Stiftung and its partners.